February 18th 2019 – Love is in the air?

Love. Such is a powerful word. I feel this blog is fitting as Valentine’s day (In which I do not believe or wish to take part in) has not long passed. Love comes in many different ways and doesn’t always make you feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside, as matter of fact I think that Love can be cold hearted and relentless. I hear people talk about when you find the one you love you just know. This baffled me for many years as I’m sure it has many people. I used to think I knew what love was, that girl I dated back when I was 16, i thought I was very much in love back then, and even though that relationship never ended on bad terms I understand in hindsight that it’s was just admiration and not Love. You see I think we misoncieve admiration for Love and never really realise it.

Some would say that the word Love is used so often nowadays that it’s becoming more and more meaningless, on which I do agree to some extent. Everyone wants to feel Love but I don’t think anyone could put into words on what it actually is or feels like. There are no set rules or guidelines to Love either which only adds to the confusion. Everyone has heard of the saying “Love can make you blind” and to be honest I feel this is the only statement about Love that is in it’s entirety is 100% true.

As of right now I do believe I am in Love or unconditional Love as some would call it. However at the the same time I can’t help but think to myself that this is just another phase, but if it is then it’s went on for some 2-3 years. Let me tell you about it.

Some 3 years ago I met this girl and for now her name shall remain anonymous (I hope you understand) for the time being she will be known as ‘JT’. Well I met JT on Christmas day, ironically the first Christmas I didn’t spend all day with my family. It’s was night time and I was bored as hell so asked a friend of mine if I could pop round and just hang out. He said this was fine and so I did just that. Now I’m not sure what I was expecting when I got there but he had a few of his family around and as I entered his house and went through to say hello to everyone, that’s when she caught my eye for the very first time. That silver sequin dress is forever imprinted into my memory. After formalities had been exchanged between me and my friends relatives I grabbed a drink and and went through into the next room where my friend and his girlfriend at the time had been hanging out. It’s wasn’t long before JT came through to see what we were doing. I feel it’s important to tell you that JT was in fact my friends cousin and close cousin at that, which puts me at a slight predicament. I couldn’t tell you exactly what the next few hours consisted of apart from drinks, jokes and just your general messing around. As it got close to midnight my friend said there was party going on and that we should go too, as much as I didn’t want to at the time, mainly down to the fact that I was having such a great time with JT. I agreed to go nonetheless.

It’s wasn’t until the next the day when I met up with that same friend, that I told him that I was in to his cousin,I felt out of respect this was right thing to do before I made any more advancements. To my relief he was totally fine with it, if my memory serves me right he actually told me to go for it. To which I proceeded to do, and within the week it’s was clear that we were both had feelings for each other. Now this is were the difficulties started. Not long after that Christmas day I would say less than a month she moved. Devastating I know, especially as it was entirely out of my control. There was gradual decline in conversations after she moved and I came to realise my opportunity had went just as quickly as it had came, like I said before Love can cruel. Not long after the conversations between me and JT had became the bare minimum, my luck changed and she moved yet again but this time closer to where I was staying. I couldn’t believe my luck, and so I tried for the second time as my feelings towards her had not changed in the slightest.

It was this second time round though that would prove to be the most difficult. The spark had not gone but she had attempted to move on thinking that what we had had finished when she had moved away which I think left her at a crossroads. I mean by the time she moved back, she had a boyfriend so there was really only so much that I could do without crossing the line, which let me tell you is an extremely hard thing to do when you have to suppress your feelings. Over the next about year and half I watched her go in and out of a few relationships whilst giving her relationship advice along the way. I guess you could say I allowed myself to put in the friendzone in a way. To me though just helping her out through difficult times gave me a good feeling that I just couldn’t deny. It even got to the point where her mum would say that we make cute couple but we would both just laugh it off and tell her she was being silly, even though I couldn’t of agreed with her more.

This cycle of her going in and out of relationships whilst I sat on the sidelines playing the coach role went on for a while, to the point where I started to doubt my own actions. I had helped her in very way possible, literally from relationship advice to family problems, from a shoulder for her to cry on to paying her bills. Even my closest friends were starting to feel that I was the one getting played for the fool, to which I profusely denied. In the end the time and effort I had invested into this girl had drained me mentally to the point where I had to speak to her and tell her exactly how I felt

What stopped me from doing that? Love. I was scared that if I told her all that I felt towards her that she wouldn’t not only push me back (that I could of dealt with) but also I would ruin the friendship and that was something I was not prepared to lose. So even though I felt that sticking around was just the same as being stuck I did anyway and in a way I still am.

She’s currently about a year and a half deep in a relationship with some guy and even though I’ve had plenty of time to move on I still haven’t done it completely yet. I still think about her all the time and we still speak just nowhere near as much and that kills me slightly. You see for all the joy and happiness that Love can bring you it can do just the opposite just as quickly. One day maybe I will tell her how I feel and how I’ve always felt, though if I’m brutally honest with myself I lost my chance to do that ages ago and will now have to live with that painful regret.

I will now ask something of you…..yes you. If you ever find yourself in the situation that I was in where you’re torn between telling the person you Love about how you feel but are worried about losing the friendship I implore you to just sit them down and tell them because the regret you have to live with if you don’t is just as bad if not worse if you don’t.

To you with Love, THC x

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